I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve done more thinking and reading and maybe some more thinking. There’s no urge to open a Google Doc or to grab my pen.
Writing to me isn’t water like it is for some, it’s more like a bottle of lemonade I grab from Walgreens when I have a bad day. Writing has been and always will be a comfortable place to go to. The more I grow and learn about this world (one that is slowly growing bigger now) the more I find myself wanting to write. Although high school seems to be making writing a chore once more, I can’t stand to hate writing again. I feel lost in this world without writing because it’s the one thing I can safely say I know how to do. Most people can write, of course, but there’s a sense of pride in being able to create images out of letters. I know the clicking of my keyboard can become paints for someone's mind.
People are starting to ask what I want to be when I’m older and, quite frankly, I don’t know. They’ll reply with “No rush, just enjoy your high school years” but how can I enjoy them when it feels like tomorrow I’ll have to write my essays to apply for colleges? I envy those with a clear goal in mind because their path seems so mapped out. I constantly feel like I’m walking aimlessly through a sea of fog, waiting to run into an answer.
I wrote on a school paper once that my greatest fear was to never equate to something. It’s still true. I don’t want to live my whole life without leaving something to remember me by. I’ve thought of becoming a writer, but it never seemed quite right. Maybe I shouldn’t be like goldilocks, waiting for my “just right” bowl to come, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something out there that’s just for me. I want to love my job just as the adults in my life who put money aside and work because they genuinely love it. Their passion inspires me to move forward with my own ambitions.
There’s still a lot I don’t know about myself or know how to express. Funny right? You spend every moment alive on this earth with yourself and yet you learn something new each day. There’s truly no end to learning. I want to say that’s the reason I haven’t pursued anything because it’s just too complicated trying to tell someone what I like. Do I even know what I like?
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